The Best Skill I've Learned in my 20s

In my early 20s, I don’t think I really ever understood what speaking up for yourself was or what it takes. Learning to advocate for myself, my wants, my needs, and my desires has turned out to be one of the best skills I have acquired in my late 20s (holy crap I’m getting old! Ha!). You might be thinking, “Madison, how did you not know how to speak up for yourself? You have a strong personality.”…. I do have a strong personality, but even strong personalities face challenges with speaking up. I still have a hard time advocating for myself in my personal life, but it is something I am aware of and working on.

I remember getting my first ‘big girl’ job when I was 22 or 23. I seriously, hate the term ‘big girl’ job or ‘get my life together’ both terms which I commonly used at that time. I felt like I needed to work a 9-5 job, and “do life” exactly the way I was supposed to….. Because that’s what we are taught. Follow the system, go to college, go work a 9-5 job, get married, have kids, retire, live happily ever after….. I really hope you can feel my sarcasm with that sentence. I truly believed that’s how life worked and that’s what would make me happy. I was well along that life path of what you are ‘supposed’ to do, and absolutely hated it.

First off, when I got hired, I felt under qualified, which was a problem. So, when they offered me the position, I was pumped and so grateful. This also meant that I didn’t try to negotiate my pay at all. Seriously, don’t be like me, sure be grateful for what someone is offering you, but don’t be afraid to ask for more…. or be afraid and ask anyway. I ended up being super good at that specific job, and I started taking on more responsibilities within about a month, but I had agreed to such low pay that the way the corporate setting at that specific company worked, a raise could only be 3-5% in the same position. FML. This meant that if I would’ve negotiated at the beginning I would have had a lot better pay than just getting a raise 3 months in….. In case you were wondering, I think I got 2 raises in the year timeframe I worked for that company that amounted to less than $1. Honestly, I think it was closer to $.50….. Mind you, I couldn’t have gotten that job without a college degree, which I have student loans for and could barely pay with my low paying ‘big girl’ job. I also was working a serving job 2 nights a week to survive financially, and if it wasn’t for credit cards, I don’t know if I would have.

If I would’ve been better at advocating for myself when I got hired, my entire time at that company could have been different. (I still would’ve hated that 9-5 life though). If you’re in a position of taking on additional responsibilities at work or if you’re interviewing for a new job, make sure you’re advocating for yourself and your worth. I like to make a list so I don’t forget all of the extra things I am doing. Think strategy not emotion. Also, ask how the pay raise structure works and procedures regarding promotions, because that might determine if you really want to work for that company anyways.

Another instance where learning to advocate for myself has played a huge role in my life is my wants. Sometimes I want something, I’ll say it out loud to someone and automatically wish I could take the words back because I feel uncomfortable. I have learned that being uncomfortable is just an everyday occurrence in life, soak that in. Sometimes I want things or dreams just because I want them, and people don’t understand so I feel the need to explain myself. You absolutely do not need to explain to anyone why you want a specific goal or dream. For example, I used to feel the need to explain to people why I wanted to be Miss Colorado USA, and when I learned to just stand in my power of owning it and not having to explain, I could feel my confidence for myself and my dream grow.

I think the hardest time to really advocate for yourself is with your immediate circle when they don’t agree with what you’re doing. For example, I love to take a risk. I remember quitting my 9-5 job with absolutely no plan (LOL! I don’t recommend this if you have responsibilities), all I knew was that I was unhappy and doing life the way I was ‘supposed’ to really wasn’t how I was going to live life. Anyways, my dad was so confused and did not agree at all. Him and I are so close, but in that instance I had to do what was right for my life even if he didn’t understand it. That’s the super important key to learning to advocate for yourself, be kind about what you want, but don’t be afraid to disagree. You can disagree and still be friends. My dad and I are still super close, but we disagree almost daily on multiple things.

I encourage you to work on advocating for yourself in easy situations first, like getting what you want at a restaurant (don’t be an asshole though), or saying what you actually want to do instead of worrying about being an inconvenience to someone else. Lean into the uncomfortable feeling, and embrace that you can live the life you want and be who you want.

As always, thank you for reading!

XO,

Madison